Meet Bartle McShill
He says he works for billionaires, and he would like you to know that he is the good guy. He asked for two minutes of your time, a projector and a round of applause. We gave him all three. What follows is a work of parody.
Now presenting
Corporate Shield
A presentation by Bartle McShill, Vice President of Reassurance. Press start. The slides change as he speaks, the words light up as he says them, and you can tap any line to jump to it.
The animated presentation needs JavaScript. The track plays here without it, and the words are printed below. Corporate Shield is a work of parody. Bartle McShill is a fictional character, and nothing here is directed at any real person on planet Earth specifically. It is directed at any and all people who operate like this, in any way.
In his own words, mostly
Who is Bartle McShill
Bartle McShill is a Vice President of Reassurance. He is not sure at which company. There are several, they own each other, and the org chart is on a page that is always at the printer. What he is sure of is this: he is very good at his job, he is grateful for his career, and he is here to help.
Bartle would like you to know that he is the good guy. When you need special care, he has a process for that. When the process does not work, he has a second process. When you give up and call the State, he is proud to say that somebody very like him will answer the phone. He calls this continuity.
He wears a corporate shield. It is not a figure of speech. It is on his lapel, it is on his lectern, and it is the reason nothing that happens to you is ever, technically, his fault. He would like to stress that this is a feature.
Bartle does not exist. He is a parody character, a stand in for a way of operating that anyone who has waited on a referral will recognize. Nothing he says is about any real person. Everything he says is about a way of doing business that pays people to talk like this. If Bartle sounds familiar, that is the point, and it is not personal.
Where the real facts live. Bartle is the joke. The evidence is on the other pages of this site: who owns the three plans, who is supposed to answer for their clinical decisions, how long a plan has to answer your dentist, and every fine on the record. Each of those pages shows its sources. This one has a piano.
The small print, in large print
This is parody
Corporate Shield and Bartle McShill are a work of parody, written and produced by this project. Bartle is not a real person. His name, his title, his employer and his song are invented.
Nothing in the presentation is directed at any real person on planet Earth specifically. It is directed at any and all people who operate like this, in any way, wherever they happen to work. If you operate like this and feel seen, that is between you and the mirror.
The presentation is commentary and satire about a way of doing business. It is not a statement of fact about any company, any executive or any employee. The facts on this site are on the other pages, and each of them shows its sources. Not sponsored by the State of California, DHCS, Medi-Cal Dental or any managed care plan. Not legal, medical or dental advice.
If you think we have crossed a line, our corrections policy applies to Bartle too.
Read it without the piano
The words
Corporate Shield, as performed by Bartle McShill. One minute and forty nine seconds.
Hi. My name is Bartle McShill, and I work for billionaires.
My job is to make sure you don't get the care you need, by setting up and controlling every aspect of the system that was designed to eat you alive. While my owners, my overlords, take in billions of dollars in government funds meant to treat you, and connect you to specialists, and everything else.
But I am very good at my job, so you can be assured:
When you need special care, we will run you into the ground! When you give up and run to the state, don't worry! We will be there too!
My owners have worked very hard for a long time ensuring their plans will be a success. They are powerful. They have plants within the departments to help gaslight you, and to make sure you don't get treated in the ways that you need.
I am very grateful for my career, and the opportunity to underserve you. And for the ability to deny all accountability, because I wear a corporate shield. And there are many hands that don't touch each other, but are also helpful in putting you into a chokehold.
That's right. Everything is so perfectly mixed up. And that was no mistake.
Written and produced by this project. A work of parody. Free to reuse with attribution.
Met a Bartle?
If a real plan, a real letter or a real phone call ever sounded like this, we would like to hear about it. What happened, and when. No names needed.