Phone Tag

You have reached Member Services. Your call is very important to us. Pick up the phone and press any key. Some keys put you through to someone, some open a game, and some reach the wrong number. What follows is a work of parody.

Pick up the phone

On the line

The calls

Five keys put you through to someone, and each call plays with the words on the screen. Take any of them on the phone, or listen here and read the words further down. The other keys are for you to find.

Bartle McShill, opening the CAC Meeting Too Dang Loaded Bartle opens the Community Attack Clan's virtual meeting from an empty mansion, in a velvet jacket and a crown, with his work suit on a stand. Caroline, Esmeralda and Bonnie are on the call, until Don Molare drops in. A minute and three quarters of song. Take this call on the phone

Bartle McShill, on hold Please Hold Bartle would like you to know that your call is very important to him. Hold music, with a timer that has opinions. About a minute. Take this call on the phone

A voicemail from Bartle McShill Overcoming the Feeling of Sadness Bartle left you a voicemail. It turns into a webinar about why your denial is a good thing for others. Two minutes, signed by hand. Take this call on the phone

Bonnie from Peasant Relations, on a video call I'm the Pad Bonnie writes the letters, stamps someone else's name on them, and takes the shots so nothing comes back to Bartle. A minute and a quarter. Take this call on the phone

A song from your wellness app No Bad Days A wellness app that would like you to smile. It is raining. A minute and a half of song, with the words on the screen. Take this call on the phone

The small print, in large print

This is parody

Phone Tag, its calls and its characters are a work of parody, written and produced by this project. Bartle McShill and Bonnie from Peasant Relations are not real people. Their names, their titles, their company and their songs are invented.

Nothing on this phone is directed at any real person on planet Earth specifically. It is directed at any and all people who operate like this, in any way, wherever they happen to work. The words in the calls are a character's words, not statements of fact about any company, any executive or any employee.

The phone cannot make real calls, and nothing you press leaves your device. Not sponsored by the State of California, DHCS, Medi-Cal Dental or any managed care plan. Not legal, medical or dental advice. If you need help with a real plan, start with If Your Plan Says No, and see the real phone numbers in the footer of every page.

Read it without the phone

The words

Every call, printed in full, with a player for each.

Please Hold

Hey, please hold.
Your call is very important to us.

Our plan has the most robust network available.
We love serving the community.
We value the low-income population.
Always here for you.

We are working hard on your request.
Please wait a while longer.
We admire your patience.
You are doing very well!
Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Got 'em. Got 'em. Got 'em on hold.
We're so bold.

Did you know, your health is important to us?
We are getting ready to help while reading the ingredients on the back of our non-dairy matché latté while thinking of you.

Please wait.
Someone will be with you shortly.

No one's coming to help.
Have you not learned that yet?
Please hold.
Your call is important to us.

Got 'em. Got 'em. Got 'em on hold.
We're so bold.

Overcoming the Feeling of Sadness

Hello dear friends and members of a managed health care plan. I wanted to share with you today a great lesson on the importance of overcoming the feeling of sadness whenever your health insurance denies, delays, or modifies your access to care.

You know, when your Timely Access to Care rights are violated and the workers at the insurance company really don't care because they know nothing is going to happen to them. We put them there for a reason. To deny your care! So, why would they have any F's to give?

Apparently, that causes some of you to feel sad and makes you cry at night. That is exactly what we are going to work through.

To begin the processes of overcoming the feeling of sadness in these situations, we have to first understand why the thing that is happening to you is happening to you! When you truly can grasp and completely get it, that feeling of sadness just goes away. So let's think about it for a moment.

Your doctor says you need procedures that are medically necessary. But they're also expensive. Because Medicaid managed care plans and their owners and executives receive welfare funds from the government to distribute to the low-income populations for their health care needs, every procedure we have to approve is just more money that we can't keep for ourselves.

So if we were to approve your care, you would be denying our mortgages, our vacation homes, our trips to the Bahamas. You would be denying my children from getting their fifth iPhone upgrade this year. So when you realize that your denial to care is actually a good thing for others, your humanity will awaken and your sadness will disappear in no time!

This is how you overcome the sadness of a denial of access to care!

Sincerely,
Bartle McShill

I'm the Pad

Hi, I'm Bonnie from Peasant Relations.

I assist Bartle McShill with communicating information to our members.

If you receive a correspondence from our company that makes you feel small, or like your head itches, I likely wrote it and stamped someone else's name on it.

I exist so that nothing comes back to Bartle.

I am the pad that takes the shots.

I have been programmed to have no heart or soul, and to always be happy to help you understand your place in our chaotic game.

Please continue to hold.

Your call is very important to us.

No Bad Days

What do you do?
What can you say?
Who is even listening anyway?
No F's to give.
Nobody there.
It's as simple as that.
They really don't care.
They will do it again.

So send the letter.
It's all pretend.
You give the warning, they return lies.
They'll do it again, time after time.

What do you do?
What can you say?
Who is awake anyway?
It's just always going to be this way?
No one can escape?
Just live in the reign of the mighty brigade?
Just shut your mouth?
Be lost in the game?

Now smile, be happy?
(No bad days, okay?)
And if you want to cry again,
they will toss out your complaint.

Too Dang Loaded

In the real world, CAC stands for Community Advisory Committee, and dental plans hold those meetings in public. In Bartle's world it stands for Community Attack Clan, and the meeting is members only. He raps at Caroline, Esmeralda, Bonnie and the rest of his staff while they chat about it, until Don Molare of Dental Managed Cartels, LLC drops into the chat and ends the meeting himself.

Look at me, I'm on top!
Yeah, never gonna stop.

Look at me, I'm on top!
I do what I do, never gonna stop.
All the haters below me
wish they could know me!
Get near me, not!
You barely a thought.

Don't need no desperate!
Tell them to check it!
'Cause I'm too dang loaded,
too dang loaded for their own good.

I have so much money,
it's my best friend!
I'm the boss, sucker,
now get lost!
Yeah, I'm the boss, sucker,
now get lost!
I'm Bartle McShill.
Just keeping it real!

All the haters below me
wish they could know me!
Look at me, I'm on top,
watch the rhythm drop.
Don't need no desperate,
tell them to check it!
Get near me, not!
You barely a thought!

I have so much money,
it's my best friend!
Too dang loaded for their own good.
I'm the boss, sucker,
now get lost!

Look at me, I'm on top.
Never gonna stop.
You barely a thought...
Now get lost!

I have so much money,
it's my best friend.
I'm the boss, sucker,
now get lost!

Written and produced by this project. A work of parody. Free to reuse with attribution.

Been put on hold for real?

If a real plan kept you waiting, transferred you in circles or closed your request, we would like to hear about it. What happened, and when. No names needed.

Tell us what happened